Collapse Porn, or how my life would fare in as many collapse scenarios as I can Imagine without drinking ayahuasca.
Oh My god, The Rapture!
This seems the least likely of all the scenarios, I mean, first there’d have to be a god, then, it would have to be the Christian god, then it would have to be the Protestant version of the Christian god, and then the interpretation of some nut job from the 1800’s of the apocalyptic End Times would have to be the correct one. Still, it’s fun.
I mean, most people don’t actually read the Bible, and people who do either become or already are atheists; but the rapture, she ain’t in there. Unless you think the results to this year’s Super Bowl, a moral message regarding human existence, and a message from Aunt Millie emanating from beyond the grave are in there as well, which is to say; if you already have a pretty good idea of what answer you want to find, you can find it in the convoluted and repetitive story telling of the Bible.
John Darby was trying to get people to buy into the idea that when Jesus said he’d be back “soon”, eighteen hundred years was still in the ballpark. Then, of course, he had the problem that the book of Revelations, the Apocalypse, makes it sound like there is going to be nothing but shitstorm after shitstorm after shitstorm right before the Messiah decides to come back and, you know, really take charge this time. I’m sure the response was generally:
“That loving God you’ve been telling us about is going to do…WHAT?!?!?! All the plagues? Blood? Up to where? Boils too? ‘Um, savior guy, why do you have a sword in your mouth?’ Actually, Mr. Darby, we’re good. Thanks.”
No slouch, Mr Darby made up a lie, and he made it up fast:
“No, no, no, hold on. Jesus will lovingly fly all of us believers the FUUUUUCK out of here before all that torture porn shit goes down. He’s not Hitler, though, you’re right, he IS going to do that to the Jews, but it will be out of goodness and love, not anti-semitism. Who’s Hitler? Don’t worry about it, God would never let that happen.”
Pretty good, really. I mean, usually the Antichrist is depicted as trying to hatch some hair-brained evil scheme like ending world hunger, getting the people to live in peace and harmony, putting an end to religion, or universal health care, and I’m just the kind of wicked, hedonistic asshole who would want hungry people to have food, wars to end, rational thought to prevail, and for the sick to be treated based on need and not career choice, so I’m all in Mr Antichrist!
I’d put myself front and center in His cabal.
I don’t live in a particularly religious part of the country so fewer buses would careen out of control in a pre-Trib rapture around here than in the Bible Belt. I imagine the prison population would shrink…lot of believers in there. All the children being gone would mean network TV could finally develop an edge, so I could save $10 a month on HBO.
Down side? All those empty churches. Wait, lots of really nice churches are empty around here already, but loads of storefronts would open up. And with the aforementioned inverse relationship between crime and religiosity, not to mention the tautological relationship between irrational fear and religion, I could foresee dying retail in struggling urban areas nationwide resurrecting almost overnight…or over three nights.
All in all I think I’d do pretty well in the Rapture scenario. At least until Armageddon when Mister “worship me, worship me” decided to take over, then it’s fire and brimstone for all eternity I guess. Oh, well, I had a nice run.